


See You When

by imaginentertain



Category: Days of Our Lives
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-18 19:19:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1439833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginentertain/pseuds/imaginentertain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It became a habit for them - Will writing letters to Sonny.  Big moments, little moments, moments that only belonged to them.  And all of them were kept, a record of their life and their love.</p><p>Fifteen of those letters are here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	See You When

** 1. **

Dear Sonny,

I know you're probably thinking that this is insane, and right now you're probably regretting asking me to move in.  Too late.  I'm already here and leaving letters on your nightstand!  And I don't care what you think (OK, slight lie) because this is pretty much the only way I can properly articulate my thoughts and feelings; writing them down.

Moving in here with you, knowing that this is going to be our space?  There's a word for that that I've not been able to use properly in such a long time.

This is home, this is everything that comes with that.  I can't remember the last time I felt safe and wanted and cherished in a space that would be mine for as long as I wanted it, not for as long as I was wanted.

For the record: I feel that too.

I know I was scared at first – in a way I still am, guess that's why I'm leaving this letter and will probably let you come home first after the wedding so you can read it without me seeing your face – but being with you?  Loving you?  It's everything that I never even dreamed was possible, let alone something that I actually deserved.

Now I have a man who loves me, I have a future I can actually believe in, and above all else I have a home that feels right.  Like I actually belong somewhere.  I belong with you.

So, assuming this doesn't fall off at some point during the day, I will see you when I get home and you've read this.

Love,

Will xx

* * *

**2.**

Miss me yet?  Even if you found this as soon as you got back from the airport I know you will be.  I'll be missing you just as much, Son.

I have no idea how I'm going to sleep over this coming week.  Different state, different room, different bed.  A place where you and Ari aren't; a place where my heart isn't.

I'll miss the sound of you next to me, 'not' snoring softly.  I'll miss hearing Ari's little giggles and chats to herself when she wakes up in the morning and we can hear her through the wall.  How am I supposed to get through this week?  I should have recorded those sounds – it's funny how it's the little things, the moments of your day that you take for granted, that are the ones that you realize you are going to miss the most.

Sorry!  This was supposed to be making you feel better!

Except I don't know how to do that.  I know you wanted me to go, I know that you believe I can do this.  I'm only on that plane because you believe in me, you support me, and you push me to do things that I wouldn't do otherwise.

Like do something that takes me away from you.

I didn't write anything worth reading until Ari inspired me.  Know that I won't write a single word that will be worth reading that you did not encourage me to write.

I love you and I miss you as much as you do me.

See you when I get home,

W xx

* * *

** 3. **

I wonder if you've found my letter yet.  If you've taken your tux out, felt the envelope in the jacket pocket, read my words to you.

I wonder when I'll give you this one.

I wonder if you're managing to sleep or if you're as awake as I am.  I wonder if tonight you're missing me and regretting your idea to spend tonight apart or if that's just my wishful thinking.  I wonder how you're coping without me there because I'm not coping without you here.  I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you, if you're rolling over and reaching out, expecting to find me there.  If you moved a pillow to have something to hold like I have.

I wonder what it will feel like, being there with you tomorrow, what will happen when we say our vows.  (I wonder which one of us will cry first.)

I wonder if this really is everything that you dreamed it would be when you were younger.  (I wonder if I will ever fully believe that I'm good enough for you.)  I wonder if we will ever have a 'normal' life, if we actually will make it to old age and still love each other the way we do now.

I have all of these thoughts in my head and sometimes it feels like they don't all fit in there.  Like one more thought and my head will explode.  Sometimes I look at you and my heart feels the same way; if I love you any more than I do now then it just won't fit and my heart will explode.  But I do and it doesn't and so it goes.

So it will go for the rest of my life.

See you at the end of the aisle.

W xx

* * *

** 4. **

I know you think I have the advantage here, but in truth writing letters is just a way of saying all the things that you don't know how, or even if, you can say out loud.

I need you to know that I love you, that I will always love you, and that no matter what happens I will want to spend the rest of my life with you.  You and me and Ari.

I just don't know if I want anyone else in our little family.

Maybe it's because I nearly wasn't a father to Arianna.  Or maybe it's that I'm scared of upsetting the balance of what we have, this tentative peace and stable home for a little girl missing her mom.

You said that you wanted your own child I know it was in the heat of the moment but I know there's a little truth in that.  I know you look at Ari and you see me and you see Gabi.  I know you want to see yourself.

We promised each other that we will be honest, no matter what.  This is me, being honest.

I don't want another child.  Maybe it's just for now, maybe I'll always feel like this.  Maybe once you've read this letter and I've read yours we will find a way through it, and you will find all of the right words the way that you always seem to do and I won't be as scared as I am right now.

Scared of what might happen, scared of what might not.  Scared of losing you to a baby.  Scared Ari will lose a dad she has known from her very first moment.

Know that no matter what happens after this, no matter what we talk about or what we decide or even what happens with is, you are her father.  I know you tell her she doesn't have to call you dad or papa, that Sonny is just fine.  But it's her choice.  She wants you, same as I do.  We always will want you in our lives and I can only hope that you want to stay, even if we never have another child.

If this is about you being a father then you already are.  But I know you and there's probably a lot more to that.  So I promise I will listen, I'm not coming into this with my mind made up.  I know this is something that you want desperately and if it is within my power to give it to you then I will.  But it has to be right for both of us, and right now it doesn't feel that way for me.

I know that neither of us were prepared for Ari coming into our lives and neither of us would change it for the world.  But it was simple: we both wanted to be parents to her.  You told me that you knew what you were getting into when we got back together, you knew that you would have a role to play in Ari's life and you were not only willing to do that, you wanted to do that.  You wanted to help me raise her and I will never be able to thank you enough for that or fully express how much I love you because of it.

For some reason I can't find the words – some writer I am!

But this is different.  I think about us and another baby and I don't feel that same pull towards it that I did with Ari, that you say you did.  I know that you were scared, that you were unsure if you could do this; with time maybe that'll be me.

I guess that's all I'm asking for.  Time.  Time and conversation and for you not to hate me because I can cope with just about anything that life throws at me except you hating me.

I love you.  I love you and I want you to be happy and I swear that we will talk this out and find a solution that we are both happy with.

I will see you soon,

W xx

* * *

** 5. **

Unsuccessful

Why didn't they just say 'failed'?  Words have meaning and they used a word that included the idea that we could have succeeded, that this could have worked.  We might have a child.

Our child.

I know we will try again, I know that this was our first attempt at this and not everyone is so lucky as to have it happen on their first time out of the gate.  (I think I used up all that luck when I fell in love with you.)  I know we will try again but I know you know that's not the point.

I know that it still feels like we lost something, even though it never really existed in the first place.  Even though  they do not exist.  It feels like they did.  Like they do.  And I don't mean that whole 'life begins at conception' idea, that our child was real and existed in that dish before they were put into the surrogate.

I mean that our child has existed since that night we sat and talked.  They have been real in all of the weeks that followed when we talked and fought and sometimes didn't talk at all.  They have been real since the day we agreed to do this, since you allayed my fears and kissed them away and thanked me for something that I wanted too.

I do want this.  I want this child and I am lost, just as much as you are.  Having to tell you that it hadn't worked, that she wasn't pregnant, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

That child is real to both of us.  They are out there, waiting for us, and one day they will be here with us.

But in spite of what I heard you say to your mom, you are still a father.  You have always been and will always be.  And I know she said that to you but I'm reinforcing it.

I love you.  We both love you.  We are still a family, we're just one in progress.  And one day, soon I pray, I will see you in the delivery room.

W xx

* * *

** 6. **

I know you know this story, but it doesn't matter.  I'm telling it anyway.

I first told Grandma Marlena I was gay, only to take it back later.  Then I said it again, but in such a way that I had deniability.  She knew the truth, of course she did, and long before I had reached the stage where I could keep the thought in my head for longer than a minute at a time.

But the third time I said it?  No take backs, no get out clauses, no avoiding the issue, no equivocation or doubt.

They say third time is a charm for a reason.  They say all kinds of things about odds and statistics and this-many-times-out-of-that.  They say we can try again when we're ready.

Do you realize that we're a third time charm too?  We broke up once, and I turned you down once.  And before you say that doesn't count, that we were still together and still in love, just not engaged as you'd hoped, that's the point.  Instead of moving on we stayed still for a little bit longer.  That's all this is.  Staying still for a little bit longer.

You told me that early on you knew that I was the one (The One?) for you.  That I was the man you would spend your life with.  Twice that knowledge, that certainty, was shaken because things did not go the way that we had planned or expected.

Yet here we are.  Together and married and still in love and trying for a baby.

We will be parents again.  We will have that child and even though we're not where we'd like to be just yet I know with the same certainty that you had about me that we will get there.  You knew that you would spend your life with me.  I know that our child will be here one day.

In the meantime, enjoy your day with Ari.  I will see you both when you get home.

W xx

* * *

** 7. **

You said that you hated seeing me struggle, knowing I was in pain and being unable to do anything to make it better.

Did I ever tell you that you did?

You were there for me when I needed it and even though I felt like I was so alone with my thoughts and my feelings I knew, somewhere deep down, that I wasn't alone.  I had someone by my side who knew what it was like.  You were there for me when I needed you and reached out for you, you were there for me when I didn't reach out.  My whole world was in flux, nothing made sense, but you were my constant.

You called me your anchor once.  Let me root you now.  Let me hold you safe and still and present while the whole world seems to move around us.

I will be here when you need me and you reach out.  I will be here when you don't reach out.

I wish I could do something to stop this struggle, this pain.  Anything: name it and I'll do it.  I will put the world in your hand, I will write the words to the song that will make the stars dance for you, I will hold onto you and never let you go if it will help.  If it will make you smile, if only for a few seconds, then I will bring mountains to their knees.

Anything to make this better for you.

You gave me hope once, that being gay wasn't the end of my world.  You gave me strength and support and have seen me through the worst times of the last few years.  You calmed the storm in my head and you were everything that I needed when I needed you the most.

I will give my world to do this for you.

If nothing else, know this.

It took us five attempts to fall pregnant.  We can do it again if you want to.  Or we can walk away now and live our lives as a family of three if you can't face it again.  We can walk now and come back later.  Whatever you decide we will do.  Whatever you need from me I will give you.  I will lie and cheat, I will beg and borrow and steal whatever you need that I don't have.

But in the meantime I will start with the words to the tune that will make the stars from the heavens lay down at your feet so that you may know that to me?  You have always walked among them, shone as brightly as them, and guided me home.  They will light your way and keep you safe and I will be your anchor.

See you among the stars, my love.

xxx

* * *

** 8. **

I don't know if your mom will pass this on to you.  After all these years we've been together I'd like to think that we get on now, that she knows how much I love you and that I will do anything in my power to make you happy.

I hope that if she does pass this on that you will read it and remember how much I love you and that I will do anything to make you happy.

This is not making you happy, Sonny.  Every failed attempt, every moment of hope dashed, it destroys you that little bit more and I can't watch it happen.

I love you, more than anything, which is why the last few years have hurt so much.  Our lives became all about a baby that just wasn't becoming a reality.  You poured everything into this and I didn't think anything would be as bad as when we lost the baby last year.  That was the worst it would be, the worst it could be.

Turns out I was wrong.

Turns out watching the man you love more than life itself get his hopes up time after time, only to have them shattered time after time is worse.  Watching the man you love be torn apart because he wants the one thing that you cannot give him.  Watching the man you can't imagine living your life without not be present in your life because he has become so focused on what could be instead of what is.

If it's a choice between you and a baby who doesn't exist?  I choose you.  I will always choose you.  I will always want what is best for you and right now I don't think that this is it.  I know it's not.  How can it be?

You said that this baby would add to our family, make it that little bit more perfect.  How can anything be perfect when I see you looking so sad, so lost all of the time?  How could I not have said something?  How could I let you go on destroying yourself this way?  All those times I would beat myself up over guilt and the consequences of my actions and you never once let me wallow.  How could I say I loved you and let you carry on doing that to yourself?  How could I even claim to want what's best for you if I let you carry on hurting yourself?

My suggestion to stop was out of fear, you were right about that.  My fear that I'm losing you.  That the man I love and the man I married is being chipped away at and soon there will be nothing life of his heart or his spirit or his soul.  There's no adventure in you anymore, there's none of what Ari and I love so much.

You told me that watching me struggle was the hardest thing you've ever done, and if you could have done something then you would have.

Well I can do something here.  I need to.  I cannot watch you destroy yourself over anything – let alone something I can do something about.  You couldn't help me coming out but I can help you here.

Despite what you said I am not giving up on us having a baby, I am not ignoring your wishes and I am not backing out.

I am just not ignoring your wellbeing.

I love you.

More than anything and everything else that might be going on, I love you.

I miss you and I want you home but I know you need time and space and I will give you as much as you need.  I will wait for you as long as you need me to.

I still believe that it will happen for us.  I still believe that one day we will have another child.  One day, when it's right.  Just not right now.

I love you, I love our family as it is, I love the family I know we'll become.  And taking time to regroup, to have time when we're not going to doctors and appointments?  It won't hurt.

Whenever you're ready to come home your family are waiting for you.

See you soon.

xx

* * *

** 9. **

Dear Dad,

Sorry it took so long for me to get here, but I promise I will make it up to you.  I promise it'll be worth the wait but I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect for my arrival.

I know things were tough between you and Daddy while you were waiting for me, and I know you had to work through a lot to get where you are today, but because of that I know I have two parents who love each other very much and will always be there for me, for my big sister, and for each other.

I can't promise this will be an easy ride, or that we're always going to be OK.  But I know that you're already an amazing dad and so as far as I'm concerned we're off to a good start.

Daddy says that he's never seen you happier than when you're holding me.  I know that you were happy before but if I'm making it better in any way then I'm glad.

As soon as they say I can go can you take me out of here?  I want to go home.  Daddy says that the new apartment has a room just for me but that I'll be in with you first.  He says you spent a long time making sure everything was perfect; I'm sure it will be.  I know how much you love and want me.

See you soon, Dad.

Baby

xx

(PS: any chance of you and Daddy deciding on a name for me?  I like Daddy's suggestion of Harry.  He says it's 'magical'.  Whatever that means.)

* * *

** 10. **

This is probably one of a handful of letters that won't be a surprise.  I don't care, I'm writing it anyway because today marks a day that at one point I didn't even think had a chance of being a reality.

Ten years.  Ten years today since that day outside the pub.

Sometimes it feels like ten minutes, on other days it feels like forever (not in that way, more in the "I can't remember a time when it wasn't you" way).  Sometimes it feels like a lifetime because falling in love with you was the start of my life, the start of this life.

Some days I wonder how we made it this far.

I wish I could say that the last decade has been plain sailing, that we have only gone from strength to strength.  I wish I could say that it will only just get better from here on in.

But we know better.

I know that just because you love someone it doesn't mean that everything will be fine.  I know that knowing you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, and actually doing it are two different things.

I know I work harder with you – for you – than for anything else.  I know raising our children is the most challenging part of our relationship, and the most rewarding.  I love watching you with them, how you manage to get Ari off to school while seeing to a fussing baby, allowing me time to write or research or speak to my publisher or do whatever I need to do for my new book.

You keep our family going, through all the storms that have come our way.  You have been my solid ground through rejections, and my wings with my first acceptance letter.  Your strength got us through the tough times before our son came home.

Ten years ago I wouldn't have had the strength to do what I do today.  I am the father I am because of the influence you have on me.  I was able to stand my ground with you and know I was right and see it through because you gave me that strength.

I don't know how you manage to do everything, but you do.  I know we made it this far because of your hard work and effort and I know that I wouldn't trade a single day of the last ten years with you for a forever with anyone else.

Not one single day.

Thank you for all of them – whether we just survived them, or prayed they would never end – and I know that if we make it through the next ten* years then we'll be that little bit stronger, that little bit more in love, and hopefully a little bit wiser.

W xx

* our baby girl will be a teenager soon, Sonny.  A teenager.  None of us may survive this.

* * *

** 11. **

Dear homeowner,

Congratulations on the successful completion for your very first family house.  Home.  With a bedroom for each of the children, an en-suite for the master room, a guest room, and the best part: a garden.

A real garden, Sonny.  We have a garden.  With grass and flower beds and a path and space for a shed.  We have a garden.

I know you rolled your eyes when I said I'd build a swing set for Robbie but the way I see it, if I can write a successful trilogy of books then I can build a swing set.  $5 says I can.

I can see you now, sitting at your breakfast bar while you read this (which should be one of the first pieces of mail to arrive if I've timed it right), probably rolling your eyes a little and maybe laughing.

Well stop that.  You shouldn't laugh at your husband when he's being all excited and emotional and romantic.

I don't know if you remember something I said to you a lifetime ago.  When I was growing up I moved around so much it didn't feel like I belonged anywhere.  Then even though it wasn't official at the start I pretty much moved into your apartment, then we had the first one with Gabi and Ari, then the one after Robbie was born.  They were all my home, I belonged in all of them but this?  This is a  home , Sonny.  This is a real and proper home with rooms and stairs.

And a garden.

Which will have a swing set in it soon enough.

(Stop laughing.)

This is the life 'other people' had when I was growing up and I still can't believe it's mine too.  We have a house, Sonny.  We bought a house.  Something real that is ours and will always be ours.  A place where our children can grow and laugh and shout and scream and fight and try to sneak out (or in) past curfew.

Thank you.  I don't think I say that often enough so – thank you.

See you on the other side of the breakfast bar, ready to kick you if you start laughing again.

W  xx

(Stop laughing.  Mean.)

* * *

** 12. **

Happy birthday, oh old one!

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, don't divorce me.  You don't look a day over 39 so I don't know what the fuss is about to be honest.  I mean, let's take stock of everything that you seem to have crammed into forty short years.

In the interest of brevity and ensuring that this letter not only fits in the card, but also the folder I know you're keeping them all in, I will focus on only the important ones:

1) you married me  
2) you helped to raise two amazing children  
3) you married me

Everything else is just extra: the house, the clubs, the places you've been to, the places we've been to.  The things we've seen and done, the words we've said and not aid.  All of it is just extra stuff to the big things.

I know the kids have been teasing you about getting old, and I know that it got to you.  I could tell you that they didn't mean it, but firstly you know that, and secondly it won't make everything better.  So allow me to try.

It doesn't matter to me how old you are, in fact I love it.  "Why?" I hear you ask?  Well, it's simple oh-husband-of-mine.  The older we get the longer we've been together.  In a few years it'll be our twentieth wedding anniversary and we're young enough to actually be able to enjoy the celebration.  (I mean, look at my parents.  None of their marriages ever made it into double figures and here we are, still going strong.)  And forty isn't that old, you're not even halfway done.  We're not halfway done.

Look at what we've done in under twenty years, Sonny.  Look at everything we have.  Clubs and books and a family we would do anything for.  We have made it through some of the worst times, times I thought would honestly break us.  We have come through it all stronger and wiser and still in love.

Also, for the record, I still think you're beautiful and gorgeous and sexy.

It doesn't matter how many years you've lived in this life, it matters how you've lived those years.  I used to think that your life before you met me was so full of exciting and wonderful things, but then what we've done in the time we've been together?

And we are not even halfway done.

We have it all, Sonny, we honestly do.  You have it all.  You have a husband who adores you, who wrote the stars out of the sky just to see you smile.  You have a daughter and a son who are who they are becoming because they have you for a father.

You are loved, Jackson Kiriakis, more than we show you and more than we know how to.  And none of that changes with a birthday, no matter how old you are getting.  You are today who you were yesterday.  Just loved a little bit more now than then, and less than you will be tomorrow.

Happy birthday, my love.  See you at the party.

W  xx

* * *

**13.**

I said I'd do the intro to this letter, if only in keeping with our tradition, but the words here belong to a girl far too intelligent, eloquent and wonderful to ever be ours.  But somehow she is.  For a little while longer at least...

 

_Hey Dad,_

_If it were up to me then you'd both walk me down the aisle.  If there were a way for me to have you both there then you know I would, right?  You know you have every right to 'give me away' (insert obligatory comment about me belonging to no man here) as Dad does?_

_This'll teach me to marry a man with step-parents, won't it?  "Stick to blood and it'll stay off the floor" seems to be the mantra for this wedding and probably the only reason we made it to today without all out war breaking out._

_The way that David talks about them, how they are with each other, with him, and what we had to go through to even get to today?  It reminded me of something.  Well, reminded me that I have always known something in the way that you know you're breathing; it's happening but you're not always conscious of it._

_You have never been a step-dad to me.  Not for a single second.  Dad talks about how much you adored me right from the start, how you always talked about how much you loved me and how big a part of your life I was.  How you'd take me out in my stroller and talk to complete strangers about your daughter because it didn't matter to you that your blood wasn't running through my veins.  Dad tells me how much I adored you when I was little, and now I can speak for myself I'm saying the same thing.  I never felt like you favored Robbie over me, we are both your kids and you are our dad._

_Not having you in the ceremony today is breaking my heart.  I will spend the happiest day of my life wishing you were up there with me.  It seems wrong not to have you there beside me when you have been beside me for all of the moments leading up to this one, right from my very first._

_Which is why – and no protests – the father/daughter dance at the reception is yours.  By then everything's done, all the speeches and events, so there will be nothing left for David's step-parents to muscle in on.  Nothing they will be able to do and I get to spend some part of my wedding day with my dad, with one of the most important people in my life._

_I want you on my dance card, Dad, and I don't just mean for today.  But I need you involved in today because if you're not then it has no chance of being the perfect day that I know you two want for me._

_Dad says I'm like Mom when I get like this; determined and headstrong.  But he's wrong._

_I'm you._

_I'm the Kiriakis girl who took on Robbie's bullies and won.  I'm the Kiriakis girl who didn't let my prom date push me into anything I wasn't ready for.  I'm the Kiriakis girl who wouldn't let David's messed up family keep us apart.  (Bet that last one sounds real familiar!)_

_I am now, and forever will be, your sweetpea little girl.  Blood or not, you are my dad._

_See you on the dance floor,_

_A  
_ _xxxxx_

* * *

** 14. **

Are we old now?  Is this what it's like?  Is that what our parents felt?

I'm not old enough to be a granddad.  You on the other hand?  Kidding.  I love you, I still think you're gorgeous and sexy, even with gray in your hair.  And even if you are someone's granddad.  I, however, can't be someone's granddad.  Our baby girl is still our baby girl so she can't have a baby.  Not yet.

I thought you with Ari and then you with Robbie would be the moments where I saw you love someone else more than me and I would be OK with that.  I didn't realize how much I loved you until I saw how much you loved them.  Now I see you with our granddaughter (we have a granddaughter, Sonny!) and I love you more because of the way you love her.

Our baby girl has a baby girl and in writing that sentence I just realized why Mom was so protective* of Arianna when she was born.  Why even though it's not your child you feel that same rush of love and protection and you want to rebuild that protective wall around your family which is a little bit bigger now and a little bit more perfect.

(* this is the word I am going with.  It's best if you don't argue.)

We did a good job with Arianna, right?  We must have done because she became her own person, someone's wife, now someone's mother.  Having two dads can't have screwed her up that badly.  Both of our babies have grown into wonderful people and sometimes I wonder how we got it so right.  Then I look at you and I wonder how I got it so right.  Maybe what I got right all those years ago led to all of this.  Without you in my life then Arianna wouldn't be the woman she is today, my family wouldn't be what it is today.

I wouldn't be who I am today without you.

We talked so much when we were younger about spending the rest of our lives together, of growing old together.  I didn't realize until now what that meant.  What it actually entailed that is.

I know there's still so much ahead of us, and we're not done by any stretch of the imagination.  But look at where we are, Son.  Look at how far we've come from those two boys in Salem Town Square.  Look at our little world, our little family that little bit extended today but in the biggest way possible.

I have loved every moment up until this one and I will love those which are to come.  I loved our family unit when it was just you and me and at the time I couldn't imagine anything more perfect.  I love what it is now and the new version of perfect that is my life.

Most of all you know I love you.  I love how you opened my eyes and my heart and my life, and helped it become what it is today.

I know that as grandparents we shouldn't be too involved, but I know that we won't be able to help ourselves.  Just promise me we won't turn into our parents?

See you, granddad!

W  xxx

* * *

**15.**

_Hey baby._

_When I got what we both knew would be your last letter I had to return the favor – better late than never, right?  All of them, every last letter that you ever wrote for me, is in here.  And now this one.  My last word._

_And they said that we were the generation who wouldn't understand or experience the concept of love letters.  Well maybe they should have married a writer; I have known for years what it means to be loved by someone who commands words in a way that my heart responds to before I'm even aware of what you're saying._

_I would that you could write my heart to keep on beating.  I wish that you could write more chapters for us, whole volumes, even one more line.  I wish it as much as you do but I know that this is our final page._

_At a time like this you start looking back over your life, and all the things you thought were going to happen.  I thought so many things when I was young about where my life would go and what I would do with it.  You didn't fit into any single one of those childish dreams.  But what did I know then?  What did I know about love and how you can so completely belong to another person.  That 'soul mate' isn't just a term for romantics but a truth that so few people get to experience.  There was a better plan in mind for me when I was younger and I could not have been more happier or blessed with where my life went._

_My life is charted in these letters, Will.  When you read back through these pages I don't want you to be sad.  Do not dwell on the thought that there will not be another letter or a chance at a reply.  That the moments and events are at an end.  Because look at how many of them there are.  There is so much in this book that speaks to how well and completely we lived and loved.  There are no more words to be said._

_And honestly?  I knew them all anyway.  I always knew the words that you struggled to find and I knew the words you never did find._

_In addition to typing this up for me, Arianna has one clear instruction: to make sure you see it at the earliest opportunity.  I hope it helps you the way that every letter you ever wrote helped me.  Over the years you have made me smile, made me laugh, made me wake up to myself and see what you saw._

_But I saw you too.  I always saw someone stronger than he knew.  I saw someone with courage and faith and the determination to keep going no matter what the world did to him.  You never hated the world or blamed it for anything; from coming out through to this last year._

_You can't hate the world for this, Will._

_We had a good run.  No, we had a great run.  We had the years, the decades, that people dream of and the life they wish for.  We have loved longer than some people have lived and we have done it for our whole lives together.  I got to spend the rest of my life with you and how could I not be grateful for that?  I lived and loved with you the way that they write books and poems and songs about._

_We raised two amazing children and saw four beautiful grandbabies into this world.  We celebrated anniversaries that I didn't even know went that high.  You cannot hate the world for what we had, Will.  You cannot hate it when you know that all things must end._

_Of course I wish I didn't have to go.  I wish this wasn't hurting you all in a way that I can never fix.  I hate that I'm going somewhere that you won't be._

_Maybe that's the worst part.  Maybe that for the first time in a lifetime we won't be next to each other, a pair, a unit._

_Will and Sonny.  Sonny and Will._

_Our life together was the greatest adventure I could have ever wished for and I have loved every minute of it.  Thank you.  Thank you for showing me that there was excitement to be had that didn't involve planes or parachutes.  That the sight of our family was as exhilarating as the view from a mountaintop._

_I got to explore life with you and it was everything that exploring the world could never hope to match._

_I had the perfect person to share it all with and there was not one moment when I felt like I was missing out, when I felt like my life would be something other than empty if you weren't in it._

_If there is one thing that I have learnt over all these years is that you and I were meant to be, and we have moved together through everything that has come our way.  We have weathered storms and faced hardships that have destroyed many other couples.  I believe that we made it through because we were supposed to make it.  We were supposed to be that couple who lived and loved their whole lives together.  We have been on the most amazing journey together, Will._

_Consider this then, my love, a scouting party.  I am going on ahead but I will wait for you to join me when it is your time.  There is no rush; we both know I can be patient!  Wherever we go next we go on together.  One last trip, you and me._

_See you when you get here._

_S  xxx_


End file.
